Love is not for the Broken.

My experience with broken relationships

Love is not for the broken. Love is a special bond between two people, a man, and a woman, a sacred bond. Love is where two people carry a special bond where they weep, benefit, support, and most importantly, care for each other on a higher level as stated in 1st Corinthians 13:4 ("Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud”). It is an extraordinary time in people's lives when they fall in love with a significant other, but falling in love with the wrong person or at the wrong time is real. Love is a bond between two people who are completely ready to commit and help one another achieve their goals, but it cannot ever be labeled as love when one person is broken in a relationship. A broken person is a parasite; it goes unnoticed at the start, but it fills the relationship with toxins and poisons as time goes on. It rubs off on your significant other, they go blind or become aware and fight it till they cannot anymore, leading to the only option separation. I have experienced the parasite as it was I in both of my long-term relationships.

As I look back, I was never fully ready to commit to my significant other I was too immature and toxic. I loved my significant other with the perception of love that I thought I knew. I was as broken as a glass window shattered by a stone, and I used my “love” as a heavy reinforcement to protect me from the reality of not being okay. I was scared of myself as Anson Seabra a local American singer from Kansas City said in his song "Broken," as the lyrics stated (“I'm so scared, there's no one there, to save me from the nightmare that I call myself”). Being alone was chilling to me, I was afraid of my thoughts. I needed someone there to share time with and take care of me when I needed it. I needed someone to make me feel okay, a free ticket out of reality. In the present, I sit and think to myself, was I really in love with the person, or was I in love with the feeling of love. The dopamine, the ecstasy, the excitement rushing through my body, the touch of someone else, or that thought of a security blanket to fall on when I needed it most. Once I left that feeling or that person, the chemicals were quickly suppressed, and I felt cold, empty on the inside.

I was the true definition of broken now in the present as I have taken the time to find where I went wrong and learn more about myself and what created this monster that I call myself. After my latest relationship months later, I realized I was actually in love, not just for crave of the feeling but for the person, but since I was damaged, It just couldn't work out if we tried. No matter how hard I tried to break habits to keep her, it just couldn’t work out. Whether you're fully damaged or slightly damaged going into a relationship, you will be even more broken than you were at the start. You are digging your own grave even more profound than it was before, and even worse you take someone down with you as you break the other person as well. You can never rely on someone to fix you, the only way you can fix yourself is if you take the time to fix it on your own. If you're not going into a relationship healthy and ready to commit everything and anything for your partner's success and your own. You're not prepared for a relationship.

Now I realize as I matured immensely, I can say to the girl that I truly loved the one I thought I would marry but let my selfish, leeching, unfair ways get in the way. I can say it was a match made in heaven; the energy that we had was like the mysterious gravity, like how Donald Miller described his feeling with his future lover in chapter 13 of "Blue Like Jazz" he said (“What is the gravity that pulls us painfully together”) it was so strong we were both baffled on what it was. I hope you're doing better at Boston University living out your dream, as heaven knows I let you down with disappointment, but as we move on and live our separate lives. I hope you achieve all your dreams as I will be proud of you from afar. As much love I had for you but poorly expressed it, That said I hope our paths never cross again as it would be like reading the same book expecting a different ending I wish you the best of all this world could give on our final goodbye.

I will love you like love was intended to be shown, no matter what. Not just for my own benefit. Like Miller's reference to God's love to himself in chapter 13 of “Blue Like Jazz” as he stated (“I will love you, as sure as he loved me.”) (148). You were good to me only if I could've returned the favor in the time of the moment. As time went on after our split I've observed you've been looking happier, and that makes me the happiest man in the world. Thank you for teaching me the most important lesson of my life that love cannot survive if you are broken….lovely

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