How will I get through the next two days?

Having just arrived and being completely unsure of the next steps I vacillated between “I can stay, they are not going to see me for a month,” to “I have to leave, I can’t stay, I need to be with my family.” These two extremes would be my reality for some time to come but I was under the delusion it was just because I was still in Guatemala.

Prior to going to bed, we had secured a flight home for two days later. I went to bed with thoughts swirling. I thought about a funeral. I thought about beating this disease. I became consumed with fear. Then I would experience this odd overwhelming sense of peace, but not in a bad way, in a truly “everything is going to be fine” way. It helped to know I was going to be surrounded by my family.

Thankfully due to the long day of travel and the sense of being drained emotionally, I slept. Not the whole night but I slept. While I did wake at night, per usual, I would think; “how can I make this ok, how can I change my thinking to be positive?” I needed to be able to acknowledge the fear, shake hands with it, and then walk on by.

Waking up the next morning, the swings of emotion persisted. I allowed myself to roll with it. Once we had arrived at the clinic we were busy enough that the day moved right along. Even as busy as the clinic was however I still had moments of utter panic. I would have to excuse myself to the ladies room just to breath. My decision to go home, made sense.

Once the end of the clinic day came we returned to the hotel, swam, ate dinner and had our first closing meeting. It was part of the “work day” to end with a mini training about what the program did, how they helped and how the travelers helped. It was during the latter portion of the meeting that our smaller group met to process the day, it was during this time that I decided to tell the group why I was leaving. In the role I played there I felt it needed to be clear that they were covered, and that I didn’t take leaving lightly.

I was met with a host of supportive words and encouragement. My closest friend there couldn’t have been a bigger support. I was blessed to be surrounded by such amazing people. After chatting and answering questions, we retired to bed. I again spent the night mostly sleeping. It seemed to be the previous night was on repeat. Waking the next day, there was sadness because I was leaving something I truly loved doing.

After breakfast hugs were followed by getting in the car again for a nearly 4 1/2 hour drive if we hit traffic. Most of the ride was spent in silence. The driver knew what stress I was under and occasionally asked a question and I did her too. The small talk was fine, distracting some so that was good. I have some Spanish skills but they were very rusty. I realized as I rode that the closer to the airport I got, the higher my anxiety got. I was like, “I dont get it, I want to go home.” “What is happening?” I spent time breathing and realized that there was some safety in being there. Treatment couldn’t start while I was there. I was going home to face that. I was going home to face the fact that I had cancer.

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