Transformation Requires Forgiveness

We look in the mirror every day and see the reflection of what we have become. The totality of every thought, belief, and interaction stares back at us while standing on a harshly cold bathroom floor. It’s a miniature chance we get every day to see ourselves authentically if we choose to.

Not many of us do. I didn’t want to see, because I was determined to ignore my reality as long as possible.

I hated my fat face. The audacity of my reality compounded in round checks, cellulite laced arms and a bulging stomach. I dared not stay in the mirror too long because I knew what would happen; I would ask a question I avoided for years…

“How could you let yourself get like this?”

I ran away from myself within myself, and uncontrollable eating was my “travel companion.” Internal pits filled with unresolved conflicts buried deep beneath my soul while layers of unexpressed emotions covered up the hope of being something more than a pile of accumulated neglect.

I didn’t know at the time, but I had to deal with some -ish that I wasn’t prepared to confront. And the longer I stayed in hiding, the longer I was doomed to an existence of binging, shame, and depression.

But one day I did the unthinkable. I stayed in the mirror and took a long, hard look at myself. Streams of suppressed tears poured out my eyes until my heart was emptied, and then I uttered the words that have become the symbol of my transformation…

“You’ve only done the best you knew how. I thank-you for sticking with me and putting up with my destructive behavior for so long. I don’t know how, but I will do right by you from this day forward. I love you, and I forgive you.

A rush of calm yet stimulating energy welled up in my being. A sense of wholeness consumed the moment, with buried hope resurrecting to life and introducing itself. I learned a valuable lesson, that I didn’t need all the answers. I just needed me, all parts of me, to work together.

I had to stop lying to myself.

Yes I was irresponsible and neglectful, yes I was disappointed and miserable with my way of life, and yes I desperately wanted to create something better for myself. I finally admitted the truth, and it opened the door to forgiveness. Instead of filtering my emotions I permitted myself to feel authentically sad, and then to let it go. From there the platform was built in which I launched my 160-pound weight-loss transformation. I took off full speed with no intent on surrendering to the spiral of negativity that ruled me all those years. I stopped avoiding that girl in the mirror. Instead, I smiled at her and said

“Ok honey, how can I take better care of you today?”

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