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Chapter 1

Guided Ways To Deal With Emotional Immaturity As Parents

Parenting is one of the hardest and most rewarding jobs a person can take on. As parents, we are accountable for our children’s education, safety, health, and well-being. We are also accountable for molding our children into productive members of society who will make important contributions to their communities. As such, it is our obligation as parents to ensure our children are reared in the most ideal setting possible.

Parents parenting young children nowadays are more likely to be emotionally immature than ever before. Emotional immaturity may exhibit itself in a broad range of ways: parents who are continuously angry and irritated with their children, who don’t listen to what their children have to say, and who fail to show their children, adequate love. Parents might be emotionally immature if they are unable to give emotional support to their children. They may not be able to detect and react correctly to their children’s emotions. This is particularly typical in circumstances when parents have undergone trauma or abuse as children themselves. These are all indications of emotional immaturity.

Parents have a major effect on the development of their children. A lot of studies have been done on the impacts of parental participation and how it affects the emotional and social development of a kid.

This book covers how parents might be emotionally immature, what this implies for the kid; and some tactics that can be utilized to assist parents to overcome this problem.

The term “emotionally immature parents” can be used to describe a parent who is unable to provide the emotional support that their children need. This can be due to factors such as mental illness, trauma, or other obstacles.

Emotionally immature parents often struggle with understanding the needs of their children and how best to meet those needs. They may also have difficulty managing their own emotions and taking care of themselves to better care for their child.

Emotional immaturity may be the outcome of insecure attachments throughout early life events, trauma, and/or a lack of deeper reflection. Emotional immaturity may manifest as self-centeredness, selfishness, and an inadequate capacity to handle conflict. Having an emotionally immature parent may lead to poor self-esteem, sadness, anxiety, trauma, drug misuse, and interpersonal conflict.

Emotional maturity and emotional intelligence require self-awareness, empathy, and emotional self-regulation as well as conscious communication, cooperation, creative problem-solving, and successful conflict resolution. When we work on ourselves via self-reflective techniques such as psychotherapy or counseling, spiritual study, or self-help programs, we gain emotional maturity and emotional intelligence. Emotional maturity is a vital component in cultivating strong partnerships. Emotional immaturity may be the outcome of insecure attachments from early life experiences, trauma, untreated addiction or mental health issues, and/or a lack of deeper reflection or work on oneself. It might show self-centeredness, narcissism, and poor handling of conflict.

Having an emotionally immature parent may be immensely irritating (enraging even) and lead you to doubt your sense of self and perspective on reality. It may lead to regressive behaviors (reverting to their less sophisticated manner of functioning) and can provoke despair, anxiety, trauma symptoms, drug misuse, and other mental health issues. It may also lead to parent-child conflict and persistent relationship issues.

It is crucial to know the signs and symptoms of emotional immaturity so you can recognize them and appreciate their influence on you. It is also vital to establish coping techniques so you can preserve mental well-being and serenity and successfully handle tension in the relationship.

They act from a grip of ego. We tend to all have egos as a part of our human expertise. Our egos are our brains’ conception of ourselves, and they are vulnerable to sensitivity, preoccupation, and conflict in relationships. Once a parent acts from ego, they’ll fall into one of 2 categories: (1) prima donna (dudes are also Divas too) or (2) doormat.

1, The prima donna is overblown, entitled, resistant, egotistical, and not respectful of different people’s limits. The doormat is meek or passive-aggressive, often engaged in an exceedingly victimized narrative, and perpetually permits their boundaries to be broken. These are each type of poor self-worth and lack of healthy shallowness that’s often the consequence of trauma or too few healthy relationships with folks or different caregivers at a particular time of life.

Strategies for managing: To forestall having your horns stuck in battle, detach from your ego. Apply attentiveness practices like deep breathing, meditation, connecting with nature, progressive muscle relaxation, and yoga to detach from your ego and connect with your deeper self — your essence (your highest self, spirit, or inner light). Apply healthy detachment (separate from damaging emotions of self and others) and zoom out for a broader perspective. Imagine there is an invisible wall between you and your parents and their negativity bounces off you. Set healthy limits for yourself through forceful communication that’s simple and clear and exhibits respect for yourself and others.

2. They do not settle for personal responsibility and often blame others. Again, this may show as doormat tendencies (a victim narrative whereby their pain is the fault of everybody else, not themselves) or a prima donna reaction (they are never guilty and problems are the merchandise of other people’s deficiencies and blunders). Acceptive responsibility ends up in a lack of integrity, damages trust, and impedes forgiveness.

Strategies for managing: Resist the will to do to encourage them to simply accept responsibility for their role. Emotional immaturity tragically implies they’re unable to handle life now. You will provide treatment or subject matter or 12-step programs, but it’s up to them to try to do the work — you can’t bed for them. Find out how to form emotional Teflon and not take blame once you have done nothing wrong. You will get through this by making a healthy distance amorously. You may perceive that your parents’ refusal to accept responsibility could be irritating, and practice self-compassion by respecting and caring for your emotions and receiving the emotional support you need. Think about support organizations like Al-Anon or Codependency Anonymous, which can teach techniques for addressing folks with self-loving tendencies, addiction, and alternative behavioral health problems.

3. They adopt rudimentary defensive strategies like denial, projection, and projective identity. Defense mechanisms are the ego’s technique of protecting itself from undesirable ideas and sensations. We tend to all adopt defensive ways sometimes, like rationalization or defense mechanisms. However, when associated with showing emotion, immature parents can resort to a lot of primitive defenses like denial (not acknowledging a haul in the slightest degree or perhaps refusing to believe it exists), projection (taking their undesirable characteristics like poor anger management and ascribing them to others), and projective identification (actually tanking someone else with their own negative emotions by the method of gas lighting). Having a parent UN agency act in this manner could also be irritating and force you to doubt yourself and your viewpoint.

Strategies for managing: Use heedful ways to spot and watch their behavior while not becoming hooked or becoming reactive. Through heedfulness activities like body scans, you can learn to look at your emotional expertise and separate it from your parents. Therefore, you’ll be able to grasp whose emotions are whose. You can do healthy things for your feelings, like exercise, painting, or expressing yourself to others. Avoid harmful coping mechanisms like self-medication with medicine, alcohol, excessive gambling, shopping, or sex.

4. They lack empathy. This is when a parent doesn’t appear capable of putting themselves in your place. They cannot perceive, interpret, or acknowledge your emotional experience. They perceive things from their viewpoint solely.

Strategies for managing: Recognize and accept that they are emotionally incapable of knowing how you feel. Resist the impulse to bash your head against the wall by obsessively attempting to convince them to grasp your position. Grieve the loss of them not being able to grasp your emotional experience via counseling, writing, expressive arts, or movement. Learn how to be your loving parent by practicing self-compassion and acknowledging your own emotional experiences and recognizing your emotions are a natural reaction to your life events. Seek empathy and compassion from the individuals in your support network who are capable of delivering it. Be the greater person and exercise empathy for your parent, realizing that they definitely must have undergone severe scars or traumas and do not have the fundamental human ability for empathy.

Working on our mental well-being and emotional intelligence is a lifelong effort that demands time and focus. Consider obtaining help via therapy or counseling to recognize your emotions of loss, pain, and anger and develop methods to move ahead with patience, kindness, and compassion for both your parent and yourself.

Have you ever been interested in discovering how your upbringing is tied to your emotional reactions?

Well, it turns out that by understanding some of the links between these two; it will be simpler for you to regulate your emotions.

In today’s post, I explain in detail that we all more or less have impairments coming from infancy.

Let’s take a look at it, so you can comprehend better and see things for yourself…

It may not have been intended but somewhere, some way our trip from birth to maturity is always guaranteed to suffer certain obstructions which would normally have major psychological and emotional implications on our later life. These are subtle and frequently overlooked happenings to which we are exposed from infancy on and throughout our path to adulthood.

Regardless of the amount of care and sensitivity we may have had, it is virtually always difficult to avert this occurring as we advance from infancy through to maturity. These experiences of our early days, despite us, being not completely conscious of ourselves and the surroundings we are in ultimately go a long way to shaping our personality characteristics and actions as adults.

Unlike some other animals whose nurturing time is frequently shorter so they’d normally grow independent sooner, humans have to stick with their parents for much longer.

A person, by the age of 18 would have spent roughly 26,000 hours in the firm of his/her parents, years of dependence in which we are continually being exposed to numerous events that would go on to mold our approach to life in our later years.

From the time we are born until when society regards us as adults, we are normally subjected to various emotional damages which of course begins in the house, with our parents at the heart of it all.

Our adulthood is so lengthy that during this period we are twisted and molded by the circumstances around us. This exceptionally extended dependence phase, as well as the claustrophobic style of our childhood, has even substantially contributed to this problem.

In infancy, we merely exist in the physical sense and are vulnerable to the whims and caprices of our careers. We are feeble and fragile that we’ll even be tripped by an ordinary twig.

Everything appears to overwhelm us and we’ll require aid for virtually everything from crossing the road to putting on our clothing.

It would generally take us as humans around a year before we can make our first efforts at walking. Talking, on the other hand, will take roughly two years before we learn to glue words together.

Compared with most other creatures who are generally outside their parents’ influence inside shorter intervals, our path is usually one involving a protracted period of vulnerability.

Our vulnerability still does not end at the bodily level. Growing up, we have little understanding of who we are and what our circumstances entail. We have just a faint idea of why our parents behave the way they do and everything that is done around us appears to be the one genuine way to live life.

Whether it is their aspirations, their concerns, and all of their dramas, we believe everything is hook line, and sinker and are unable to properly distinguish sarcasm from the truth.

We don’t know when dad does not mean that curse word he yelled to mother in his wrath, we are simply destined to be mixed up in everything with no sense of what may or may not be the reality.

Being the young and vulnerable people we are, there’s just a little we can do to rescue the situation. Everything in our upbringing looks to be the precious truth of life. We have no skin of ourselves and can’t fully grasp why most things happen the way they turn out to.

We have no idea of the underlying causes of the actions and dispositions of the people around us but this continues to shape how we’ll eventually relate to society.

This powerlessness and distortions of our infancy would almost always affect our attitude toward life at maturity. Everything we’ve observed throughout our path straight from birth to maturity is normally saved and encoded.

There is no doubting the fact that this would not only alter our ideas and perspective on life’s affairs but would also play a part in our interpretation of acts, as well as our judgment of issues.

As we mature and look to be fleeing the cage of childhood, then our attitude to life would begin to alter. The experience of the early years would begin to affect our views resulting in some form of abnormalities. Although the roots of our imbalance may not have been spectacular, its ramifications are still long-lasting and devastating.

These imbalances whose sources are frequently not understood or considered owing to the effects would normally expose the person to social scorn. Everything then continues to happen with no legitimate explanation to justify its occurrence. When a person comes out as domineering, no one recalls their childhood had been fraught with letdowns.

We only tend to see the weak individual, but society will never realize the effect of the bullying and competitive character of his parents. The individual to has to live a difficult life, viewing every other person as the wrong one without recognizing that they had been the victim of a defective upbringing.

It is pretty bad that this cycle continues this way and the younger ones have to be experiencing all of these. Noteworthy is the fact that these incidents may appear to parents and everyone concerned as trivial at the time they occur.

If there is anything we have learned from ancient Greek history, it is that the most gigantic of faults and slips may not account for the worst effects, rather the ones regarded the most little may have the most horrible results.

The psychological harm of our infancy has been called appropriately a -Primal Wound, more accurately articulated and explored in this extremely engaging film.

In essence, most of our adult difficulties, whether it is insecurity or some other personality disorders typically have their roots in a mistaken childhood experience.

These experiences, as delicate and minor as they may appear, by the individuals from whom we have grabbed them ultimately go on to leave obvious imprints on our life, in ways that society, as well as ourselves, would not fully comprehend.

Are you witnessing similar behavioral patterns between you and your parents?

The first step to resolving and modifying behavior patterns is to perceive the patterns clearly and have a greater knowledge of how they arose.

Contemplate the repercussions of these patterns for your life. If they are negative, commit to replacing the pattern with alternate behavior for a more positive result.

If you believe that you are not adequate or worthless, this might be due to a lack of affection and care in your upbringing.

The finest self-coaching strategy is to learn how to love yourself and care for yourself.

Train every morning in front of a mirror or gaze at a photo of you at a younger age. Accept and love yourself. Observe your self-dialogue and adjust it to reflect how you would speak to a close friend. Learn to talk to yourself constantly in a positive manner. Avoid dismissive and disrespectful remarks to oneself.

Imagine a scene in which you as an adult person care for, embrace, and love the young version of yourself. You just catch up on getting affection and attention from yourself. If you establish a clear image of this circumstance, this may be a solid tool to empower yourself and assist you to heal your scars from childhood.

Self-love is a word that is regularly tossed about even in casual speech. You have likely heard:

“You need to love yourself more.”

“Why don’t you love yourself?”

“You can’t love someone else if you don’t love yourself first.”

Sayings like these are tiresome when it comes to providing people recommendations on how to have a fuller life, methods to have more confidence, ways to be more successful, or ways to feel anything other than what they are experiencing.

But when we speak about self-love in times such as these, do we genuinely grasp what we are talking about?

Self-love is not only a condition of feeling wonderful; it is an activity. Self-love is a decision. It is a style of connecting to oneself that comprises being understanding of your faults, understanding your losses, and being able to successfully speak with yourself about life without harshly criticizing or punishing yourself.

Research has revealed that knowing how to self-love is connected with:

Less anxiety and sadness

Better recovery from stress

A generally more hopeful attitude toward life

Better adherence to healthy behavioral modifications

In a nutshell, self-love is how you regard yourself and how you treat yourself.

You are learning how self-love is vital to living happier and healthier in all parts of your life. It determines who you chose to be your spouse for life, the image you present at work, how you do your job, the way you rear your children, the way you connect with others around you, and the way you deal with the issues in your life.

Low self-esteem or lack of self-love is something that might be acquired in infancy and persist through to maturity. Or, it is something that might reveal itself primarily in maturity.

Some bad habits that may be related to a lack of self-love, according to the National Association for Self-Esteem:

Earlier sexual activity

Alcohol and drug abuse

Self-harm

Eating disorders

You can be lacking self-love for several causes or behaviors, as described above. It might be due to the acts of others around you, because of a painful incident in your life, because you lacked a robust model of self-love, or simply because of a style of thinking that you intrinsically practice.

But, one key thing to remember is that poor self-esteem owing to a lack of self-love is not an exact representation of reality, but a reflection of your view on reality.

While self-love is not always natural, it may be taught. Here are some helpful pointers on how to self-love today:

You’ve undoubtedly heard the cliché adage that “the first step to addressing a problem is recognizing that you have one.” Well, one of the first stages of learning how to self-love is kind of similar — it is being aware of oneself.

We all experience a range of emotions during our lives — grief, rage, frustration, loneliness, happiness, and more.

When something seems amiss, it is crucial to take a minute to notice how you are feeling at that time and why.

Why are you sad? Why are you angry? Why are you happy?

In self-love, you must be conscious so that you may begin to transform any negative state that is associated with those sentiments.

While there is nothing wrong with experiencing any of the emotions we discussed or others, it is crucial that once you acknowledge your feelings, you embrace them.

Whether you choose to feel it or not, the sensation is there. Take a moment to halt and dwell on that emotion.

How would you feel if you witnessed a loved one experience the sensation you are experiencing at that moment? Then, think about how you may urge them to continue.

What is interesting about life and our brains is that we treat ourselves radically differently than we treat others. While we may attempt to push good conduct on our friend or family member experiencing a bad mood, we would beat ourselves up for feeling this way.

View this issue with a compassionate eye and be nice to yourself. Love yourself at that moment and at all times.

This self-love suggestion truly has two parts to it:

First, consider what it will take to forgive yourself for whatever the issue is.

Second, make a deliberate choice to forgive yourself.

We may be hard on ourselves sometimes, but it is crucial to give ourselves a break. You might be your own worst enemy at times.

When you think you have committed a mistake, identify what action you can do to put it right in your own eyes. Then, utilize self-talk to urge yourself to take that step toward forgiveness.

Sometimes exercising self-love isn’t just about speaking respectfully to ourselves while we are experiencing particular emotions. It may also be about taking care of oneself while others are present.

Set limits. Make time for yourself. It is appropriate to tell somebody “no” if you believe that you need to. Love yourself enough to make the proper choice for yourself, not for anybody else.

Self-love is a constant activity, a continuous process, and a continuous decision. You should continuously be investing in yourself by focusing on activities that encourage self-love.

One approach to consistently ensuring you are focused on how to self-love and putting recommendations like these into practice is to consider visiting a psychologist often for help.

At Psychological Health Care, our certified clinical psychologists are knowledgeable in matters such as self-love, and as an impartial third party, we can more effectively support you in your learning. Book an appointment and start your path to learning how to self-love.

Self-love is crucial to your overall well-being. Invest in yourself — you matter.

You are every age you’ve ever been, all at once, meaning that at any moment you’re carrying the knowledge of your oldest self and the naivety of your younger self. Many people who endured abuse or neglect as youngsters have scars that were sealed up deep within themselves as they got older. Even for folks who haven’t suffered child maltreatment or trauma, there could have been terrible events or things said to them that have lingered with them over the years.

Nurturing and offering to heal your inner child is crucial because otherwise, that part of you might remain trapped, influencing your current-day feelings and experiences.

The brain is most responsive at a young age, roughly until 4 years old. This implies that our experiences up to that moment will have a big influence on our emotional patterns and the knowledge we will employ going into the future. Our brains built our unique survival methods based on the roles we were instructed to play in our family (whether locally or nonverbally). These strategies were influenced by the adults in our lives, through witnessing how they processed emotions, notably grief and rage. This creates a type of screenplay for the unconscious mind while making judgments. Nurturing and re-parenting your inner child helps you to explore and re-write that script.

To nurture and heal your inner child, first, you need to recognize their presence. Start basic, with lines like: “I see you, I hear you.” Then, when you’re ready to delve a bit deeper, spend time getting to know them. Sit down to connect with your inner child via writing, counseling, or meditation. Let them know that you respect their safety and consent and that you want to make decisions in their best interest now. Your inner child must realize they may escape this repeating cycle of the past–but that can only happen when safety is provided.

Use this as a basis for continuing communication with your inner child going forward. Remember to come back to them, check in with them, and listen to their needs.

If you have access to images of your younger self, look at them to draw yourself back to any emotional scripts you may wish to rewrite. If you suffered neglect, you may wish to gaze at those photographs while embracing yourself and saying quiet affirmations of love and safety.

However, for some, it may not be feasible. If you are LGBTQ, looking at childhood memories might likely provoke dysphoria or other emotional reactions that aren’t beneficial to healing. In such a situation, recreate events of your youth via painting or collage to build the young self you wanted to be let to be. This is an assurance to many trans and GNC folks that their identity has always been legitimate, even when they weren’t allowed the room to express or explore it.

Let them know you are done repeating the past.

Write them a letter containing everything you needed to hear as a child — whether it was love and nurturance, a secure environment to express your feelings, or an opportunity to play and be a kid. It may go something like this, “You deserve more opportunities to play with other kids your age instead of taking on tasks that the grownups in your life would’ve been managing.” Play is an important way to develop, learn, and heal. I’m sad you didn’t have that chance. “

After you’ve written your letter, you may take it with you to therapy and read it out loud to process it further, or you may wish to read it during solitary meditation practice. Create a procedure that feels good for you as a means to read this letter out loud.

Children learn and grow through play — it is a fundamental aspect of development. If you weren’t afforded adequate room to play with yourself or friends, this might be a crucial aspect of connecting with your inner child. As we get older, we deprioritize play, frequently infantilizing it as too childlike for grown individuals to indulge in. But it is so far from the truth, play has the potential to heal.

When you were a youngster, did you covet a toy or game that you weren’t permitted to have? Maybe a trampoline or an easy bake oven or going to an amusement park. If it’s feasible, invest in that experience for your inner kid. Create possibilities that are just focused on play.

Choose some affirmations that your inner child wishes to hear, that would be therapeutic for them and put them down on a post-it note in your room. Take time every morning to repeat these affirmations aloud to your inner child.

Some possibilities to get you started:

“I adore you.”

“I’m sorry we went through that.”

“You deserve physical autonomy.”

“You have a right to explore and play.”

“Your body is a lovely place to be.”

When you begin to process trauma, it may be good to start with a little trauma.

An exercise for processing trauma involves procedures such as grounding it, remembering it, identifying it, and sharing it.

Trauma causes feelings, and unless we handle these emotions at the moment the trauma happens, they get entrenched in our minds and bodies. Instead of healing from the wounding incident, the trauma persists in our body as energy in our unconscious, influencing our lives until we expose it and process it out. The appropriate flow and processing of negative emotions, such as anger, grief, humiliation, and fear, is necessary to recover from childhood trauma as an adult.

The healthiest response to childhood emotional wounds is also the rarest: When the trauma first occurs, we recognize the violation it has caused to our sense of self, feel the natural emotions that follow, and then realize that the violation doesn’t say anything about us personally — and thus we don’t make negative meaning of it and can let it go.

But since emotions like anger and grief are uncomfortable — and because weeping or confronting people is frequently not socially acceptable — this process doesn’t happen naturally. Instead, we may repress our feelings, rather than experience and understand them. As a youngster, this process is significantly tougher. What might seem like a pinprick to an adult — an insult about one’s looks that we can brush aside at 40 can feel like a knife wound to a youngster and produce enduring harm (body dysmorphic, depression, etc.). (body dysmorphic, depression, etc.).

Then we take these emotional knife wounds with us into adulthood, and they damage our relationships, profession, happiness, health,… everything. That is until we process them and recover through experiencing our sensations.

Even the most caring and attentive parents may inflict permanent harm to our sense of self. Our parents may have rushed in after a distressing occurrence, meaning well and disliking to see our pain. “Don’t feel terrible — it’s okay,” our caregiver remarked as we began to weep. The reality is, feeling unpleasant may be healthy for us. We needed to feel horrible for a bit and think about why we felt the way we did.

Or maybe our parents weren’t caring and attentive enough, and they ordered that we stop sobbing when we were wounded. Either way, we didn’t learn how to experience our sensations effectively. We didn’t learn that feelings are ephemeral and fleeting, that they have a predictable beginning, middle, and finish, and that we would survive. When we don’t learn how to experience our feelings, we may come to perceive all emotions as scary.

As children, we can’t discern between our sensations and our “self.” We assume we are our sensations. If our sentiments aren’t considered appropriate in a given environment, we may conclude that we aren’t acceptable.

To recover from childhood trauma, we have to finish the process that should have begun decades ago, when the wounding occurrence occurred. I devised this exercise based on my decades of experience helping people recover from early emotional scars. (Find an enhanced version in my book, Mindful Aging.) The first time you do this exercise, I advise beginning with mild trauma. When I deal with clients in my practice, I prefer to start small and proceed to greater traumas after they have learned the method and are comfortable with it.

For this technique to operate, you must be in your body and the moment. To begin, select a peaceful spot where you won’t be interrupted. Sit comfortably with your eyes closed, and take several deep breaths, bringing your awareness into your body. Squeeze and release your muscles, and feel the weight in your arms. Let yourself feel linked to the earth beneath you. Imagine a stream of energy traveling from your tailbone down toward the heart of the earth.

Think about a circumstance that you’ve been furious about lately. Find anything that triggered a modest to strong emotional response, or that would have if you didn’t feel emotionally numb. Review what occurred in as much detail as possible, and envision yourself back in that time and location. Experience it all again with your senses.

Continue breathing deeply, and spend a minute in calm relaxation. Then, mentally examine your body for any feelings. I call this process “percolating” because of the way your emotions will rise and boil up within you. Observe your bodily reaction — tingling, tightness, burning, etc. From your prior experience, each of these feelings is a piece of knowledge you need to comprehend. Explore these feelings, and quietly explain them to yourself in as much detail as you can. Once you’ve researched and detailed all of your bodily responses, you may go on to the next step.

Associate an emotion with each of the feelings you experience. Is the tightness in your chest anxiety? Is the fire you feel creeping up your arms anger? Before commencing this activity, you may want to print off this list of emotions. You can find this list on the bottom right side of the page. It’s crucial to know the frequently minor differences between sometimes similar feelings. This will give you a stronger sense of your experience and a broader awareness of yourself.

As part of a mindful approach to recovering from trauma, we need to completely embrace all that we experience. Whether it’s true to your conscious thinking at this time or not, say, “I love myself for feeling (angry, sad, worried, etc.).” Do this with every emotion you experience, particularly the harsher ones. Embrace your humanness, and love yourself for it.

Sit with your emotions and their sensations, allowing the feelings to simmer and flow. Don’t attempt to modify or conceal them; just notice them. Acknowledge and embrace whatever pain you experience, knowing it will be gone shortly and will enable you to recover. Let your body react the way it wants or needs to. If you feel the need to weep, cry. If you feel the desire to shout something or strike something, you should yell or punch the air. Expressing your emotions — in a healthy manner — is crucial to getting them flowing within you and completely processing them.

Do the feelings or emotions you’re experiencing right now link to one or more events in your past? Do they provide you with an insight into the source of the trauma or a negative, limiting view of yourself?

Right now, you could be thinking, “I’m not receiving anything.” Ask yourself: “If this feeling or emotion were going to express anything to me, what would it be?” If you still have problems, try some free writing. journal about what the emotion implies, for a full 10 minutes without pausing.

If you feel comfortable sharing your thoughts with someone else, do that. Otherwise, write about them on your own. Describe what happened when the wounding episode originally occurred, how you responded at the time, and what you’ve come to see about it now. Talking or writing about your experiences and feelings is a vital step in healing. Writing letters (but not mailing them) to folks who harmed you may be a highly powerful strategy for releasing emotions from your system. Once you’ve expressed your insights …

Visualize the energy your trauma took up within you leaving your body or undertaking a rite of physical releases, such as (safely) burning a letter you’ve written to the person who abused you or casting off the trauma in the shape of an item into the sea. You may borrow a rite from Judaism called Tashlikh. During the season of repentance, many Jews cast off their sins into a natural, flowing body of water in the shape of breadcrumbs. Instead of sins, you may cast off traumas and the feelings and sensations that go with them.

The process of mending emotional scars might seem difficult at first, but I assure you it will be a very rewarding trip. The energy we now spend on trauma will be released, and the space within ourselves that trauma takes up will instead be filled with fresh, more positive energy that can help us develop a life that we will enjoy.

You may have found yourself thinking from time to time, “wow, I’m becoming like my parents,” and possibly shrugging it off as simply another sign of maturing into an adult.

But in a world where everything is energy, and the materials from our mother and father’s bodies very literally become us as we develop within our mother’s womb, this statement couldn’t be any more accurate.

We frequently inherit the energy imprints from memories, unhealed emotions, and distressing events that are stored in our parents’ cells while we develop in our mother’s womb. Even after we are born, we frequently unconsciously take on the scary and restrictive belief systems of our parents and family as we create our personalities in the initial years of our lives.

Many individuals may find themselves inheriting the same ‘irritating’ tendencies that their parents have, or even developing relationships later in life that reflects the dynamics of their connection with their parents.

Fortunately, all of this can be reversed. Huge transformations occur in our emotional healing process as we address the emotional scars generated in our childhood. Even if our parents aren’t presently living, or in our life, this healing process may take place as a consequence of looking inside and experiencing previous pains and recognizing the concerns we may have inherited or grown.

Forgiveness is the very first and most critical step in healing the connection with our parents.

Any time we harbor a grudge against someone or blame them totally for things that have transpired without extending any kind of empathy towards them, we establish energy bonds between ourselves and such a person.

It’s like we will constantly be tethered to the person or individuals who injured us as long as we blame them.

And for others, this would seem crazy, to not blame the person who brought such purposeful pain or cruelty to us as innocent children. However, if you stay locked in patterns of blaming, you don’t comprehend that everyone is constantly doing the best they can from the level of awareness they live at.

Abusive parents frequently mistreated themselves, and angry parents were often the victims of their own parents’ inability to manage their wrath. Critical parents were regularly evaluated and scolded as tiny children.

Adopting this position doesn’t imply that we were ‘wrong’ to be upset by the things our parents did, it just implies that they had no choice in the matter. They were just giving us the best they could, and the emotional agony that had collected deep inside their being had yet to heal.

If you have tried and attempted to move beyond or forgive your parents to no avail, it merely indicates that there is still a part of you that doesn’t feel supported or unconditionally loved enough to let go of the pain.

If this is the case for you, it just signals that your inner child, the one who doesn’t know how to forgive, needs more of your loving care and unconditional love.

Over time, if the part of our inner child that hangs on to grudges is allowed the opportunity to simply be as they are, without pressure to change, it will begin to feel comfortable enough to mend and evolve all on its own.

A key thing to understand in this process is that it is going to take time. Healing from years and years of emotional trauma is not something that will happen overnight, so be patient with yourself.

Often, wounds may spring up that we didn’t even realize we had. But when our soul feels energetically powerful and secure enough to repair that wound, it will be a sign that we are actively in a position where healing may occur.

Our higher self is never going to offer us more pain and suffering than we can manage, so in that regard, we can see that if an unhealed wound is presenting itself, it’s time to put some awareness around it.

If the procedure gets too stressful or unpleasant, take a step back and allow yourself some time away from it. The sheer desire to forgive and to heal puts the wheels in motion for our healing process to begin. And you can be guaranteed that the universe will bring you to the appropriate people, places, and things that will support you in this process.

Often, individuals utilize things like visiting a counselor, writing in a notebook, meditating, or practicing EFT (tapping therapy) to work with unhealed emotions. There are so many therapeutic techniques accessible to us these days, and most of them don’t cost a thing other than our time and energy spent performing them.

The most powerful weapon we have in our healing journey is acceptance. But this acceptance must be offered to ourselves first if we are ever to be able to offer it to anybody else.

Imagine if you accepted everything about yourself without attempting to alter it.

You may even say something like,

“I admit that I am furious.” I acknowledge that I am unhappy. I acknowledge that I am in agony. I admit that I am uncomfortable. I realize that I don’t know how to accept that I am terrified of feeling anything. “

The energy of honesty with ourselves paired with unconditional acceptance makes all the difference in the world in how we begin to connect to our parents or our picture of them.

The interesting thing is that when we learn to accept ourselves precisely as we are, and have compassion and understanding for ourselves as the soul who survived our upbringing, forgiveness becomes a natural by-product.

Biologically, we enter this world with at least 2 parents, but from there, it varies significantly how much they are or aren’t engaged in our lives. Parents that are engaged with their children also differ in how competent they are at parenting. For some youngsters, it might be better if their parents hadn’t been so engaged. In any event, though, no matter how many parents you had, of what ilk, by the time you reach 30 years of age, it’s time to stop concentrating on your parents and start becoming a decent parent.

Under the age of 30, we mostly learn through what occurs to us. We learn through what we see, hear, touch, taste, and smell firsthand. We try stuff out. We experiment. We make errors. We make excellent decisions. We monitor and see what occurs when we make choices. We learn nearly completely through experience. However, around the age of 30, we can profit from other individuals’ experiences without having to have that exact experience ourselves. We may read self-help books and learn from them. We may go to therapy and accept therapeutic guidance. We might join support groups and learn from individuals who have successfully navigated similar hazards. It is time to start learning to parent ourselves if we have never been properly parented adequately.

Think about what type of parent or parents you wish you had and be that sort of parent to yourself. If you wish you had parents who brought you to Disneyland and took photographs of you having fun and got you Mickey Mouse ears, definitely consider organizing a trip to Disneyland for yourself with a few close friends who would take pictures of you, and wear Mickey Mouse ears with you as well.

If you wish you had parents who would listen to your concerns and genuinely care about them, then make a point of really listening to yourself and caring about yourself. When you are in a tough circumstance, don’t disregard yourself. Pay attention to the fact that you’re unhappy and do something about it for yourself. Rescue yourself from horrible circumstances the way you wish your parents would have rescued you when you were a youngster.

If you wish you had parents who would hold, embrace, and comfort you when you are unhappy, you need to allow yourself to experience being held, hugged, and comforted when you are sad now. If your love partner cannot or will not do this for you, be a good parent to yourself and re-evaluate your choice of a romantic partner. Have you picked someone as un-affectionate as your parents? If so, you may need to confess to yourself that it was a terrible decision and that you may need to pick someone who can hug and comfort you when you need it. Not engaged in a romantic relationship? Check out your friends. If you don’t have a buddy who could embrace you and hold you if you wanted to weep, find out why you don’t have any excellent friends and make a point to meet some better quality individuals than the ones you’ve surrounded yourself with. Smart parents assist their kids to make good decisions in friendship. You need to do it for yourself now.

Disregard that you didn’t have the ideal parents or the parents you wanted or that your parents were awful, nasty people. It’s time now to be your good parent and take care of yourself the way you’ve always deserved to be taken good care of.

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